Please stick to the end of this one. It starts out rough, but it’s a message about having compassion even when it's nearly impossible to muster, and strength when it’s needed most. We're going to need a lot of this in the next four years and more, so please, read on.
I won't name names, but I talked to a Nashville investor recently who lamented having to install a DEI candidate and, in person with me, referred to black women as "weak animals". He described them as such because of the odds stacked against them - ironically identifying systemic injustice without really having identified it for himself.
I can't express how badly I wanted to punch this man in the face. But alas, I tried to patiently get through to him instead. It didn't quite work, but when we left he said "that was a great conversation, ya know, I don't even know what you do". Despite me making it clear I didn't like him or what he was saying, I did my best to simultaneously treat him with dignity anyway, and he left thinking of me as a kind person with whom he vehemently disagreed yet could respect for at least being honest with him.
A quick note: just so he, and you, and everyone else knows, DEI efforts were never about finding a black or brown person to be on the board or on the executive team just because they're black or brown. It is about finding a *qualified* person of *merit* who is black or brown because they are otherwise being overlooked simply for being darker skinned. And finding them is not hard to do, actually. Did you know more black women have advanced degrees than any other race or gender based segment of the population? Ya, they don't fuck around. Back to the story.
This poor dude was basically describing his racism and sexism out loud and still couldn't see it for what it was. That's how racism and sexism work - they're blind spots, and we all have them - at least a little bit. In my case, the man I spoke with could've been smacked in the face with that reality and he wouldn't have seen it coming due to his own blindness. He told me that he and his millionaire and billionaire buddies have rejoiced in private that they saw the election as a turning point - a reason to no longer hide their true feelings about wokeness, like DEI. In other words, they had been masking their true feelings for the last 4+ years and to them, it had felt oppressive. The weight was gone.
That’s the reality now in America for a majority of the wealthy/ruling class, particularly of men - and not just white men (this guy wasn’t white). When people like Zuck and Musk and Trump talk about ending wokeness and DEI and bringing masculinity back to the workplace, what that will look like in reality is re-embracing the role of oppressors.
As a kind and empathetic person, it’s natural to feel anger as a response to this kind of blindness. But hard hearts aren’t changed by hardness. They’re changed by softness.
Recently I’ve had so much anger I barely knew what to do with it. Anger that ought to come out as a protective force. And there’s a time and place for that. But I’m finding also that with my anger towards hateful, toxic men, it’s just as effective to let it soften into something else.
I feel bad for these men. They’re insecure. They’re scared. They’re clamoring for control when they feel it being taken away. And make no mistake - it ought to and will be taken away. They’re lost, and the threat of being forgotten is real. They should be scared. But they also need help. They need compassion, because most of them have never received very much.
We have a monumental task before us in our lifetime. To heal centuries if not millennia of men’s pain. There will be moments when men’s behavior is unacceptable, and we may not always get to kill them with kindness and patience. But when you can, feel your justified anger and let it soften into sadness. Into pity. And remember that real power doesn’t come from being a strong man who can be soft. That’s unsustainable and unnecessary. Real power comes from being a soft man who can be strong. And when you need to be - be strong as all hell.